Uncertainty

I seem to be filled with uncertainty these days. Uncertainty when it comes to my writing, that is. No matter what I try to do, the words just appear to be caught up inside me and I do not know what to do to retrieve them.

This is a new experience for me. I used to be able to simply think of a word and have an article written within minutes of that thought. But now, my cursor just blinks at me. Taunting me to make it move across the page. Every word is a victory; every sentence is a triumph.

I am determined that I will not be defeated in this writing arena. I will get the best of the enemy that thwarts my attempts at creativity. Through Jesus Christ, I can do all things. (Philippians 4:13) God always causes me to triumph. (2 Corinthians 2:14) So I cannot just say that I can no longer write. For the Lord gives me the grace that I need to do whatever is necessary for me to accomplish. All that I must do is yield myself to the Holy Spirit and let Him do in and through me His work.

I do not know the purposes of the Lord. I am not privy to the workings of His Mind. I cannot tell what He is doing at any certain period of time. And I do not know why He is letting me flounder in this sea of uncertainty. All I know is that I trust Him and that in the end, all of the grief that I have endured this year when it comes to my writing, or the lack thereof, will be worth it all.

As I sit here typing these words, I feel a sense of peace and of strength welling up within me. For the Lord has stood up inside me and I am going in the strength of His might and not in my own abilities. For when we rely on our own efforts, we fall short of the glory of God. But when we trust in the Lord, our resources are limitless and the sky is the limit. In truth, the sky is not the limit. The universe is not even our boundary. There are NO limits when one puts one’s hope in God. There is nothing that we undertake that we are unable to do.

Who says that I cannot write? sstupid ssatan, that’s who. And who is he? He is one who was defeated royally over two thousand years ago. He is nothing but a rotten liar. And anyone who is foolish enough to listen to him is bound for a life of misery. I will not acknowledge the enemy. I will simply rebuke Him in the Name of Jesus and go on to write, this article as well as my book.

I encourage you to go for your dreams. No matter how difficult it may be in order to accomplish them. I won’t let a period of writer’s block keep me from doing the job for which I am called. I will just punch through the wall and will find myself on the other side before long. If dreams were easy, everyone would be following them. Go after what you want! If you persevere and rely upon the Lord, what you seek you will find! Nothing is impossible with God. Absolutely nothing. Remember that.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

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What is Your Calling?

I have spent some time of late contemplating my calling. I am a writer and I am one who encourages people. I have always been an encourager. Shall I say that I am a writer who uplifts others? I think so. So, what do I do with this “calling”?

I have had many people tell me that I am meant to write a book about my life and whenever they read one of my blog postings, I am asked, “So, when are you going to write that book!” But I have suffered much and to write about suffering necessitates that I emerge myself within the pain and I find that a difficult thing to do. I have started my book, yet I hesitate to go any further because the anguish that I feel when I open up the “book” of my life makes it hard to continue pouring words onto the pages of my word processor. I want to tell my story because I know that to do so will help many people. Moreover, it will bring healing. Hence, I hesitate.

I must confess that there is a part of me that wonders if I am a good enough writer to pull off such a project. That is the artist in me speaking. For, I know that I am a very good writer. An excellent one, in fact. So, what is holding me back? I honestly do not know, other than the fact that my words are shut up inside me whenever I attempt to write on my manuscript. There are so many things in my life that I have been through that do not know where to begin or, better yet, to continue from where I have already begun.

Okay, this is where I need the encourager part of my personality to come forth. This is where I need to tell myself that I can DO this! Because I can. And for the sake of those that I want to assist, I must. I have to feel the pain and go forward, anyway. If I do not, I will be doing a disservice to the world, as no suffering is without its benefits. If I do not move forward, the pain will win and I am not about to allow anguish to have the last word.

The Lord took all of my suffering and used it to free me from all of my fears. So, what am I afraid of? That is a paradox wherewith I am facing.

What will I do, you wonder? Well, I will do what I have always done. I will write. And I will encourage. That is my calling, remember? Only, I will be encouraging myself. Here goes:

My name is Cassie. I am a writer.

Okay, I am stuck. I am unused to writing encouragement to myself. Thus, I will instead encourage you, thereby sneakily encouraging myself and will therefore achieve the result that I seek. Here goes again:

Hello, there. I hear that you are a writer. I am certain that you are an exceptional one and I am sure that your writing will inspire the masses. Don’t allow anything to keep you from writing. There is no such thing as writer’s block. All you have to do is write your way out of the wall that is before you. If you don’t know what to write, simply write about the fact that you do not know what to write about and you will have an article right there.

If you are writing about something painful, all that you must do is use the pain. Use it to create word pictures that people will be able to “see.” If you do not know where to start, start anywhere. You will catch up to yourself time enough. If you are afraid, just remind yourself that the Lord has already delivered you from all of your fears through His word and His love.

Wow. That really worked. Encouraging you actually encouraged me and now I know where to go. I am going to go work on my book now. Thank you for listening. It actually helped to hurtle me over the road block that was in the way of my writing. You are amazing!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Musings

Well, what do I do now with my life? It has been turned upside-down at the death of my mother and I do not know if it will ever be righted again.

I thought of her yesterday. Not today, but yesterday. I kept seeing her face and I can hear her voice if I concentrate upon it. At least I can think of her without pain now. That is a blessing. I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that she is gone, but I am getting used to her death. For today. Tomorrow I may be a basket case. I simply do not know. I don’t know much of anything these days except that my life has changed yet again and I am not sure if those changes will be good or bad. Ever since mom’s passing, I feel a trepidation that I cannot shake. Her death was sudden and unexpected, so I spend my days wondering if another shoe will drop and if it will be one that will be a blessing or a curse.

I feel more optimistic about my future, though that may be paradoxical. I see bright beginnings and some things that I had lost has been restored to me and for that, I am grateful. Things can only go up from here. It is odd that the very thing that has so devastated me (my mother’s passing) has shown me that there is much to live for. Her death is teaching me that life is short and that I must reach forward and not to the past. I must pounce on the opportunities that life is holding out to me without regret nor apology.

I look forward to spring. A renewal of the spirit and of life in general. A time of flowers and sunshine, grass turning green and leaves on the trees. Of children on bicycles and the ice cream truck making its way slowly down the streets. Of tennis shoes and walk paths.

I may have been dealt a death blow literally, but I still pick myself up and march onwards and upwards. There is so much more to me than my pain. That is why I want you to see me. I want you to see the extraordinary person that I am and know that you, too, are  person of great worth.

There are so many words inside me just itching to get out and into the world. There are so many that they get tangled up in my mind and remain stuck there until I pry them loose with perseverance.

Be patient with me. For jewels of great price in the form of my life are ready to be revealed. All I need  is time and a willing audience (you). Together, we will make something great.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.