I sit here at my desk, surrounded by pens and books and various other sundries. The TV is playing softly in the background. I’ve listened to some music and now I am contemplating. Contemplating my life and the various pitfalls and difficulties that I have found myself privy to in the 48 years I have traversed this planet. So many of them, I had to endure on my own, but I can assure you that I was never alone, for God was with me.
I have questioned the Lord and asked Him many hard questions. I have wondered why I had to go through the paths that have taken me to mental hospitals and homelessness, bullying and rape. I had felt alone during those periods, but God has always been by my side. How do you know that, you ask? Because I came through it all with my sanity and rationality intact. There is no way that I would have been able to withstand all of that with peace of mind unscathed without the Lord by my side.
I was praying in my favorite place and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself because I had not felt the presence of the Lord with me the way that I usually have and I was wondering what I had to do in order to feel that closeness to Him that I had been experiencing for the past few weeks. But I did not know what to do. Until I did. All I had to do was trust Him.
God is not some cosmic Santa Claus hanging up there in the sky waiting to drop down toys and other gifts upon us as we push bubble gum machines that contain wishes instead of gumballs. He is a God of honor, of love, and of truth. We don’t have to keep testing Him to see if He still cares for us, for He always cares for us. If we do not know by now that the Lord is here for us and He will never leave nor forsake us as he says he will not in his word, we are never going to get it.
The fault was not with God, it was with me. I was expecting Him to jump through spiritual hoops to prove to me that He loves me, when He did that over two thousand years ago when He sent His Son Jesus down here to this corrupted earth to live and then to die for every last one of us. He would have done it if there would have only been one of us alive on the planet. So who am I to want God to prove His love and commitment to me? What arrogance or insecurity. I cannot tell which.
So, as I sit here at my desk, I am satisfied with the knowledge that I am not alone. I will never be alone. Thank God for that. I thank Him that I will always have Him by my side, for He is with me. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to be anything. He simply loves me. On, how I am thankful for that.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.