Today has been one of productivity for me, for which I am thankful. I want always to be moving ahead in my life and not become stagnant or unfruitful.
I think back on my life of homelessness and those thoughts are both painful and strengthening at the same time. I am remembering when I walked the streets, searching for help from any quarter, and finding none. Not even the church I went to would offer me any assistance, though the people at the service worshipped the Lord with a zeal that I found attractive. Until I found that that zeal only extended to arms raised but did not include putting those arms around a sick woman who had nothing. (For I was sick with CFS and that illness made my life as a homeless person much more difficult to bear.) To my astonishment, I discovered that there were people in the world who only love the Lord with a shallowness that boggled the mind and saddened the heart. My spirit was crushed and I talked to God in my heart and gave Him my pain and He lifted it. If only for a moment. For after a moment, my situation was back in my face with a vengeance and I cried out with fear and a desperation for someone, anyone to provide me with some type of aid.
But my pain is not the focus of my thoughts today. That belongs to the fact that although I was on the streets for two years, that did not crush my spirit. Although the forces of life did their best to pull me down into the pit of despair. I will admit that there were moments when I allowed the fear to cloud my faith and I shuddered like a startled baby. But those times did not last because my spirit of perseverance and the fortitude that I had grown up with in a totally dysfunctional and violent home came to bear and I used those resources to keep going. Ever going. And I use them today as I attempt to get over my mother’s death without becoming drowned. And I am succeeding. It is a bit surprising to me as I had thought that I would never be able to get over her passing, especially in the first days of her death. I can celebrate her life without sadness now. I know that she would be proud of me.
Today is a productive day. I am proud of myself. You rock, Cassie! You rock!
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.