Well, what do I do now with my life? It has been turned upside-down at the death of my mother and I do not know if it will ever be righted again.
I thought of her yesterday. Not today, but yesterday. I kept seeing her face and I can hear her voice if I concentrate upon it. At least I can think of her without pain now. That is a blessing. I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that she is gone, but I am getting used to her death. For today. Tomorrow I may be a basket case. I simply do not know. I don’t know much of anything these days except that my life has changed yet again and I am not sure if those changes will be good or bad. Ever since mom’s passing, I feel a trepidation that I cannot shake. Her death was sudden and unexpected, so I spend my days wondering if another shoe will drop and if it will be one that will be a blessing or a curse.
I feel more optimistic about my future, though that may be paradoxical. I see bright beginnings and some things that I had lost has been restored to me and for that, I am grateful. Things can only go up from here. It is odd that the very thing that has so devastated me (my mother’s passing) has shown me that there is much to live for. Her death is teaching me that life is short and that I must reach forward and not to the past. I must pounce on the opportunities that life is holding out to me without regret nor apology.
I look forward to spring. A renewal of the spirit and of life in general. A time of flowers and sunshine, grass turning green and leaves on the trees. Of children on bicycles and the ice cream truck making its way slowly down the streets. Of tennis shoes and walk paths.
I may have been dealt a death blow literally, but I still pick myself up and march onwards and upwards. There is so much more to me than my pain. That is why I want you to see me. I want you to see the extraordinary person that I am and know that you, too, are person of great worth.
There are so many words inside me just itching to get out and into the world. There are so many that they get tangled up in my mind and remain stuck there until I pry them loose with perseverance.
Be patient with me. For jewels of great price in the form of my life are ready to be revealed. All I need is time and a willing audience (you). Together, we will make something great.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.