Today was an interesting day, emotion-wise. I spent it in a haze of nothingness. I went to the funeral and felt nothing. I gazed at my mother’s casket and it was as though a stranger was peering through my eyes at the tableau before me.
I did not go to the grave site. I did not want to see my mother’s casket hovering over the open hole that would shortly swallow her up. So, I took the small bear that had been on her casket, was driven home by a true family friend, and got undressed. I crawled into bed with the bear and covered myself. And dreamed the dreams of the undead.
I am grateful that I feel nothing, just a numbness that is all-encompassing. Like a wooly blanket that scratches my face. I wrapped myself in it and allowed the emptiness to fill me.
I still cannot believe that she is gone. That I will never see her again on this side of heaven. I cannot believe that casket that was wheeled past me contained her body. Mama, where are you?
I must move on, away from this loss and on to life that awaits me. It is what my mother would have wanted. She is in an amazing place now. She dwells with the Father and is watching over me now. What she could not do for me on this earth, she is accomplishing in heaven. Loving me. So, I will live my life and it will be a good one.
There will be changes made. I will write and that well. I will show this world who I am and embrace this wild ride called life. I will make my mother proud. I will make myself proud.
See me, world.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.