Today is a day from hell. I am suffering so, hurting over the loss of mom. I do not know what to do with myself. I just lay in bed, curled up in a fetal position. My soul feels ripped from my chest, leaving in its wake the destruction of a heart torn in pieces.
My sisters did what they could to lift my spirits, telling me that mom was in a better place and all that. I know this, but I still feel lost in a fog of feeling. And yet I feel numb at the same time. Time is standing still while it is also hurtling towards the burial of my mother.
Tomorrow is the day that my mom is put into the soil and her body disappears forever. I do not want to go, but I promised my sister that I would and she needs my support. (Support, ha! I cannot even take care of myself and here I am pretending to stand strong on the behalf of my siblings. What irony.)
I am confused. I still see my mother before me, although I cannot detect her. I imagine her sitting in her wheelchair, eating her breakfast while she watches the Price is Right. Oh, how I wish that she could still be here, even as I rejoice that she is no longer suffering and she has both of her legs and she is not only walking the streets of gold, she is running!
If I could say whatever I wished to my mother, what would it be? Perhaps I will write a letter to her here:
This is your daughter, Cassie. I am missing you far more than I thought I would. I thought that I would be glad that you were out of your misery and that I would just go back to my former life and all would be happy and well. But it has not turned out that way.
I find myself being selfish. I am thinking only of me as I think only of you.
Why wouldn’t you let me love you? Why couldn’t you love me the way that a parent should love a child?
Why did the last months of your life have to be so hard for me? You made life difficult, and almost impossible for me to live. I did my best by you. You did not appreciate it. You showed no thanksgiving for anything. Oh, how I kept wishing that the life that I had with you would be over. And now it is over. But I am not happy about it. I do not feel relief that I no longer have to take care of you. Today, I feel only pain. Pain at the loss of you.
I miss you, mother. I miss you.”
I do not have much to say this day. Except to God. And to Him I have everything to express. Only I cannot get the words past my soul onto my lips. They are locked within me and I am mute. Oh, Lord. Give me strength and pour your mercy on me.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.