First blog post

This is the post excerpt.


Here I am again…choking on the cup of suffering. I find myself searching within to find out why and have come to some rather unpleasant, but life-changing realizations.

One of those realizations is that I have forgotten how to live. Having been hampered by my former illness for so long, along with the dignity-destroying experience of homelessness, topped off with the recent death of my mother (she died on Christmas day) have made life difficult for me, if not impossible, to manage. I am not sure how to go about this thing called life anymore.

I have suffered through so many things in my short life that I scarcely know where or how to begin. I don’t know whether to start with my present circumstances, go back into the past, or combine the two for a more complete glimpse into my life. One thing I do know is this: I am a writer. A very good one. I can promise a blog filled with emotion and vision. I only require an audience. Whether that audience be one or one hundred, I very much want my life to be one that will teach people how to live, how to love, and how to suffer pain without that suffering altering one’s personality to the point of non-recognition. This is almost a laugh to me, as this post is one in which I find myself changed by the sufferings and pains that I have endured in my 48 years of life.

48 years. Wow. That is a number that I never thought that I would see quite so soon. It came upon me so fast that it took my breath away. I had believed that I would remain forever young, or at least not gallop upon the age of 50 so darned quickly. I still remember the days of my youth. My days of being twenty and then my thirties, which were the happiest years of my life. (I know that the word “happiness” would not seem to be one that would apply to my life considering all that I have been through, but that third decade was one filled with some of the most serene and downright happy moments of my life. As I write in this blog, the reasons for my bliss will become clear. Until then, I will stick with what has brought me to this particular posting. And that is a profound sadness and regrets.

I had always thought that I would not be one who would live a life wherein resided regret, but as my existence has unfolded, especially in these past few months, regret has accounted for a rather large portion of my mind’s interior. Especially with the passing of my mother. My last months with her were riddled with regrets, with resentment, with fear, with longing for the closeness that a mother-daughter should bring, with exhaustion at having to care for her in her declining years and ill health. Just so many things to regret and to fear, and through it all, God has been there.

That is the caveat, folks. The existence and the presence of God in a life encompassed by sorrow and suffering, the likes of which brings one to tears and threatens to toss a body straight into the very pit of despair itself, but the saving grace of it all is a heavenly Father Who loves me and has used the very suffering that has brought such misery to set me free. So, I say to sorrow, “Come.” I say to suffering, “Welcome.” For it is those things, along with a host of feelings and emotions that have run the gamut from fears to tears that have caused my life to have meaning, even within a meaningless life. Because the essence of me has lacked purpose and passion throughout these past nine months since I had come to live with and care for my mother. My life was swallowed up in hers and I did not make a move or have a thought that did not include her welfare in it. And now she’s gone. She’s gone and I will never see her again, nor be subjected to her temper or her pushing me away. I will never again have to live the thankless life as a caregiver. Never suffer the exhaustion of arising at the crack of dawn to prepare my mother for her dialysis appointments. So many never agains. Oh, what will I do without the life that I have led for the past nine months! Those months overshadowed my previous life and became the only life that I had, miserable as my existence became. Now I find myself wondering what I will do without the pain. Though my heart is filled with the pain my mother’s death brings to my soul.

I am torn. Torn between two worlds. Both worlds of pain and loss. If I had to choose one life over another, I would hesitate to make a choice, for those two worlds hold unbearable selections. Let me lay my two lives out for your inspection. In Life One: the endless burden of caring for a soul who made life miserable because she was no longer able to care for herself or Life Two: life without the one who has made the misery a daily existence. I cannot choose, for I do not want either life, yet I walk the tightrope of both with wobbly feet on a high-wire hundreds of feet in the air. Both lives are mine. And this is my endless dilemma. Do I continue to walk the wire, or do I allow myself to tumble to the ground with no safety net to embrace me? I can only come to one inescapable conclusion and that is the inconsolable fact that my mother is dead. Will I ever be able to accept her death or will this unshakeable disbelief forever crowd out the new life that cries within me to be released. May the God of heaven help me.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.



I seem to be filled with uncertainty these days. Uncertainty when it comes to my writing, that is. No matter what I try to do, the words just appear to be caught up inside me and I do not know what to do to retrieve them.

This is a new experience for me. I used to be able to simply think of a word and have an article written within minutes of that thought. But now, my cursor just blinks at me. Taunting me to make it move across the page. Every word is a victory; every sentence is a triumph.

I am determined that I will not be defeated in this writing arena. I will get the best of the enemy that thwarts my attempts at creativity. Through Jesus Christ, I can do all things. (Philippians 4:13) God always causes me to triumph. (2 Corinthians 2:14) So I cannot just say that I can no longer write. For the Lord gives me the grace that I need to do whatever is necessary for me to accomplish. All that I must do is yield myself to the Holy Spirit and let Him do in and through me His work.

I do not know the purposes of the Lord. I am not privy to the workings of His Mind. I cannot tell what He is doing at any certain period of time. And I do not know why He is letting me flounder in this sea of uncertainty. All I know is that I trust Him and that in the end, all of the grief that I have endured this year when it comes to my writing, or the lack thereof, will be worth it all.

As I sit here typing these words, I feel a sense of peace and of strength welling up within me. For the Lord has stood up inside me and I am going in the strength of His might and not in my own abilities. For when we rely on our own efforts, we fall short of the glory of God. But when we trust in the Lord, our resources are limitless and the sky is the limit. In truth, the sky is not the limit. The universe is not even our boundary. There are NO limits when one puts one’s hope in God. There is nothing that we undertake that we are unable to do.

Who says that I cannot write? sstupid ssatan, that’s who. And who is he? He is one who was defeated royally over two thousand years ago. He is nothing but a rotten liar. And anyone who is foolish enough to listen to him is bound for a life of misery. I will not acknowledge the enemy. I will simply rebuke Him in the Name of Jesus and go on to write, this article as well as my book.

I encourage you to go for your dreams. No matter how difficult it may be in order to accomplish them. I won’t let a period of writer’s block keep me from doing the job for which I am called. I will just punch through the wall and will find myself on the other side before long. If dreams were easy, everyone would be following them. Go after what you want! If you persevere and rely upon the Lord, what you seek you will find! Nothing is impossible with God. Absolutely nothing. Remember that.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

I Can Do All Things

I’ve been having a bit of a time lately when it comes to believing in myself and my writing. I have doubted my skills and abilities and, therefore, have not been doing much with this blog. That ends now.

I have been reading a book written by Joyce Meyer called “How to Succeed at Being Yourself.” It is an excellent book and I highly recommend it for all those who experience the same type of insecurity that I have been dealing with.

Now, I am not thrilled at the thought of having insecurities, let alone admitting them for the world to know and to see. But that is only my pride talking. And it is that pride that has been keeping me back from all that God has been wanting to accomplish in my life. But I am about to take down the monster of pride and place myself into the Hands of Almighty God and allow Him to mold me and make me into the woman of destiny that I am called to be.

I am supposed to be writing a book about my life. I have been writing this book for years and have not gotten very far. Why? Because I am afraid that I will not succeed at completing it. I am afraid that it will not be good. I am afraid of so many things that it is a wonder that I get out of bed in the mornings! Now, God has not given me a spirit of fear. The bible says so in 2 Timothy 1:7. And here I am, allowing fear to gain a stronghold in my life and keep me bound to the past. Or shall I say that it has a stranglehold on me? That would be a more apt description for what is going on in my life.

I am not one to lay down and quiver in fear, and yet that is precisely what I have been doing when it comes to my writing. Instead of believing the word of God and saying that I am what He says that I am–more than a conqueror, for one thing–I have been giving in to doubt. Doubting myself and doubting my God. And I am ashamed of that. I say that I trust the Lord with all of my heart, but that is not entirely accurate. For I fear this fear that is within me. But I am here to lay that fear to rest. I am here to pick up the baton of the truth of the word of God and carry it on to victory.

The word says that God is able to make all grace abound towards me and that I have sufficiency in all things. (2 Corinthians 9:8) Philippians 4:13 says that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Now, who am I going to believe? My insecurities or the One Who created me and knows how to get out of me what He put into me? I believe that I will choose the latter of the two options.

The bible also states that you are cursed when you put your confidence in anything but the Lord and that no good thing dwells in the flesh. In other words, no good thing comes out of my own self-effort. I MUST depend and rely upon the Lord. No matter what I have to go through. He will not allow me to be put to shame when my confidence is in Him.

As I write these words, I am filled with a sense of awe. Awe at the magnificence of the God Who created this universe and everything that is in it. For when I decided to put my trust in Him, He met me here at this blog and gave wings to my words and I am writing with strength and confidence. Confidence in the Lord. And in the ability that He placed within me a very long time ago.

My book SHALL be written. And this blog WILL go forth and bless many people through my drawing on the ability and love of God. The devil had better start trembling now because he is in big trouble. I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me. And now that I know, I can mount up on wings as an eagle as I wait upon the Lord. (Isaiah 40:31) It is time for me to start walking my talk when it comes to faith. Saying I have faith is one thing. Displaying it is another thing entirely. Thank You, Lord.

I can hardly wait to conquer these giants that are in my Promised Land. They have got to go and I am just the one who will be rooting them out of the land.

If you are fearful or have insecurity of any kind, I invite you to join with me on my quest to rid my life and my soul of both of them. We can do it together. Together, we can conquer anything. With the Lord by our side, that is.

Oh, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

The Air I Breathe

When I think about the Lord, it causes me to become short of breath. The love that I have for the Lord, I am amazed.

The Lord God Almighty is more important to me than the air that I breathe. His love for me fills me with wonder and awe. He didn’t have to choose me to be one of His daughters, but He did and our relationship grows by leaps and bounds every day.

Each day, I spend hours at a time alone with Him. To feel His presence is the most wonderful experience that I have ever had. His love surrounds me and I am caught up in the heavenlies. The Lord pours His love upon me in no small measure. It is full and over-flowing.

I have been in love before. I was married for thirteen years to the love of my life, so I know what love feels like. But the love that I felt for my husband is nothing compared to the love that I feel for God. I can’t get enough of him. (It is almost six in the morning. I have spent the past four and a half hours in the presence of the Lord, talking with Him and praising His Name. Yet, I find that I must go back and spend a few more hours with Him. Those four hours seem like they were but four minutes. I am truly in love with Him. He is the love of my life and the lover of my soul.)

I feel sorry for anyone who does not know Jesus. For, you do not know what you are missing out on. He did more than give us eternal life and save us from hell. He is Love itself and He pours out that love in abundance. The Love of the Father is just as incredible. And also that of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly. (John 10:10) It is His desire that you experience love in its highest form. And with Him, that form defies description.

Imagine being loved more than anything in the world. Imagine being the most important thing on Earth. Well, you do not have to imagine such things because with God, they are reality. He loves you more than you will ever be able to comprehend.

Oh, how I love Him! He means more to me than absolutely anything in this world. As I said, He is more important to me than the air that I breathe. Knowing that I will have an eternity to be with Him fills me with such rapturous wonder that I can hardly contain myself.

I could go on and on forever about how much I love the Lord, but I will just leave this post where it is so that I can post it. Otherwise, I will be writing forever. I will just say this to you: Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! (Psalm 34:8)

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

The Greatest Gift

Hello to one and all. It has been a while since I have written in my blog. Life has been catching up with me and I have been doing my best to keep up with it. I believe that I am doing a fair job of it and thought that it was time that I got back to doing more of what I enjoy, and that is being with you.

I want to take a few minutes to talk with you about the greatest gift that the Lord has made available to one and all. It is the gift of salvation. Salvation is God’s rescue plan for the hearts and souls of mankind. Before the world was made, God saw us all lost in sin and in bondage to satan, the enemy of our souls. And in God’s perfect wisdom, He implemented a plan that redeemed us from the hand of that enemy..

The Good News has been preached and talked about for over two thousand years and that news is still good! Jesus Christ has paid the price for every living soul to receive the free gift of salvation and I encourage one and all to accept the gift that God has offered to you. His Hand has been outstretched since the beginning of time and now is the day of salvation for you. Now is the time for you to accept the atoning death of Jesus Christ on the cross for the saving of your soul.

Without Christ, you are lost. You may be walking around, thinking that you do not need God in your life and that you are doing quite well without Him. Well, let me tell you this one thing. If your sins have not been washed away by the blood of Jesus, you are still on the hook to pay for every last one of them and that price is a high one. It is your soul. We all will spend eternity in one of two places: heaven or hell. If Jesus Christ is not the Lord of your life, you will spend eternity in hell. And eternity is a very long time.

Heaven is real. And so is hell. Mankind has spent thousands of years denying the reality of hell and this world is full of people who are merrily going about their way blind to its existence. But playing blind will not alter the facts.

The Good News is that you do not have to go to hell. Jesus Christ came so that you would have life and that more abundantly. (John 10:10) He does not want you to be lost. He came to seek and to save that which was lost and He is looking for YOU. You were so important to Him and to God that God sent Him to this earth to die for you and Jesus gave up His life so that you might live. If you have not received the gift of salvation, I urge you to do so. The Lord cares for you and so do I.

Salvation is the greatest gift that this world has ever known. What good would it do if you gained the entire world, but lost your soul? (Matthew 16:26) There is nothing that this world has to offer that is worth your soul.

Don’t take your life for granted. Jesus Christ died so that you can live and have a life full of love, joy, and peace. He came to free you from the monsters of your past. He came to free you from the prison within your mind. All you have to do is say, “Yes.” He is waiting with Arms open wide. Walk into those Arms. You will be free. Take that freedom. It’s all yours.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

You Are Loved

Have you ever had the thought that you were unloved? I am sure that you have. Well, let me assure you that you are loved and loved greatly.

The God of the universe wants you to know unequivocally that you are not only loved, you are cherished. He loves you with a love that defies description.

I was studying my bible tonight and I was moved to tears as I read in Ephesians chapter two that because of God’s great love wherewith he loves us, has quickened us (made us alive) and has seated us in heavenly places with Jesus even while we were dead in sin. He didn’t wait for us to get ourselves together first. He put us in the highest position–far above all principality and power and might and dominion–while we were in our weakened state. Now, THAT’S love!

The Lord did not wait until we merited salvation before He gave it to us, freely. There is no way that we could possibly earn the salvation of God. That is why it is a gift of God. For God so loved this world that He GAVE His only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. That is the foundation of the entire bible and one Scripture I am sure that you have heard many times in your life. The fact that God loves me so much that He actually sent His beloved Son to die a hideous death in order that I would live fills my heart with wonder and great joy. What does that knowledge do for you? Have you contemplated that you could be so important that Jesus Christ would actually give up His life for you? (“Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again. No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have the power to lay it down, and I have the power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.” John 10:17,18) No one could take His life. He GAVE IT UP FOR YOU! Try to wrap your brain around THAT! It’s one thing that God would send His Son to die…that defies description in itself! It is another thing entirely that Jesus would come down to this earth and go through all He went through in order to die for you, willingly and with love.

satan, the enemy of your soul and the one who comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy wants you to believe that you are unimportant. He wants you to think that no one cares for you. Well, let me tell you: those are lies straight from the pits of hell! You were important enough to die for. I think that makes you valuable. Don’t you?

So, the next time you feel unloved, just think about the Ones who love you. God, the Father. God, the Son, and God, the Holy Ghost. You are precious. You are priceless. There is only one you and you were made well. (“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalm 139:14) The Lord knew what He was doing when He created you. He made you with a purpose and a wonderful plan for your life. All you have to do is give your life to Jesus Christ. He longs to love you. Allow Him to.

And, by the way, I love you, too. You are very important to me. Which is why I created this blog in the first place. YOU were on my mind when this blog hit the airwaves.

I pray that you will never again doubt that you are loved. You are loved!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

What is Your Calling?

I have spent some time of late contemplating my calling. I am a writer and I am one who encourages people. I have always been an encourager. Shall I say that I am a writer who uplifts others? I think so. So, what do I do with this “calling”?

I have had many people tell me that I am meant to write a book about my life and whenever they read one of my blog postings, I am asked, “So, when are you going to write that book!” But I have suffered much and to write about suffering necessitates that I emerge myself within the pain and I find that a difficult thing to do. I have started my book, yet I hesitate to go any further because the anguish that I feel when I open up the “book” of my life makes it hard to continue pouring words onto the pages of my word processor. I want to tell my story because I know that to do so will help many people. Moreover, it will bring healing. Hence, I hesitate.

I must confess that there is a part of me that wonders if I am a good enough writer to pull off such a project. That is the artist in me speaking. For, I know that I am a very good writer. An excellent one, in fact. So, what is holding me back? I honestly do not know, other than the fact that my words are shut up inside me whenever I attempt to write on my manuscript. There are so many things in my life that I have been through that do not know where to begin or, better yet, to continue from where I have already begun.

Okay, this is where I need the encourager part of my personality to come forth. This is where I need to tell myself that I can DO this! Because I can. And for the sake of those that I want to assist, I must. I have to feel the pain and go forward, anyway. If I do not, I will be doing a disservice to the world, as no suffering is without its benefits. If I do not move forward, the pain will win and I am not about to allow anguish to have the last word.

The Lord took all of my suffering and used it to free me from all of my fears. So, what am I afraid of? That is a paradox wherewith I am facing.

What will I do, you wonder? Well, I will do what I have always done. I will write. And I will encourage. That is my calling, remember? Only, I will be encouraging myself. Here goes:

My name is Cassie. I am a writer.

Okay, I am stuck. I am unused to writing encouragement to myself. Thus, I will instead encourage you, thereby sneakily encouraging myself and will therefore achieve the result that I seek. Here goes again:

Hello, there. I hear that you are a writer. I am certain that you are an exceptional one and I am sure that your writing will inspire the masses. Don’t allow anything to keep you from writing. There is no such thing as writer’s block. All you have to do is write your way out of the wall that is before you. If you don’t know what to write, simply write about the fact that you do not know what to write about and you will have an article right there.

If you are writing about something painful, all that you must do is use the pain. Use it to create word pictures that people will be able to “see.” If you do not know where to start, start anywhere. You will catch up to yourself time enough. If you are afraid, just remind yourself that the Lord has already delivered you from all of your fears through His word and His love.

Wow. That really worked. Encouraging you actually encouraged me and now I know where to go. I am going to go work on my book now. Thank you for listening. It actually helped to hurtle me over the road block that was in the way of my writing. You are amazing!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

What Suffering Has Taught Me

I was conversing with my sister today. We were speaking about what we had each collectively have been through in our lives. She reminded me that mine has been a life of much suffering and she did not know how I had been able to bear it. I, too, have wondered how I have born this life that the Lord has seen fit to allow me to experience. I can only say that it was by the grace of God that I got through my past and am now walking a life of victory and triumph. But, oh, God, how I suffered!

I find it difficult to think about my husband. He left me after thirteen beautiful years, because of us losing our jobs and our possessions and going homeless. I loved that man with everything in me and still carry a torch for him six and a half years later. There are no words to describe the pain and heartache that, in actuality, I endure. I have forgotten what his voice sounds like and can only vaguely elicit a mental picture of him. I do not often speak of him, for to talk about the love of my life who was taken away from me by a life of loss and pain is like slowly carving out a piece of my heart and laying the rest of it open to the elements. But he was one of the topics of conversation, so I sit here with a throbbing mass of anguish that will take time for me to obtain relief from.

We spoke of my son that my father took from me when he was ten years old through a year of court challenges and I did not see him for eight years when I drove two thousand miles to watch him graduate. I got to spend about three hours with him and then my husband and I had to drive back so that we could both go to work. The horror of being without my son and missing out on all of the childhood milestones fills me with sadness even to this day, many years later. Because no one will be able to give me back all of the time that I lost with my son. My child will be thirty years old in November. It is hard on me trying to establish a relationship with him. It is like trying to get to know a stranger. Only that stranger came out of my belly. That adds an element to the equation that is problematic.

My sister and I talked about many things. Things that brings tears to my eyes as I relive those moments. But I am grateful for those times that I experienced. Because had it not been for the suffering, I would not be who I am today. I discovered as I endured yet one more circumstance that I was stronger than I had perceived. I learned valuable lessons about people and the Lord God. I am able to grasp life with both hands and hold on for all that I am worth.

There are times when I question why I struggled through life instead of having one of ease. But that is not for me to know. It is only for me to trust in the God Who loves me enough to let me go through trying tests. For they strengthen and build character, and character is not something that can be purchased. It must be forged through pain and difficulty.

I am grateful that I did not have an easy life. I would have missed out on so much if I had been handed everything on a silver platter. I would much rather have suffered and gained the glory of God in my life than to have had an existence in the lap of luxury. My sister, the pastor, says that suffering is the bridge to glory and I believe that with everything that I am worth. Because I have been a partaker of that glory and it has made my suffering so worth the price that I have had to pay. The bible says that the present suffering that we endure are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us (Romans 8:18).

So much of life is a mystery. That is why I love it so. I love the paradoxes of life. Its uncertainties and its twists and turns. For that is what makes life worth living. It is in the various ups and downs that we go through that make us unique individuals. I guess you can say that that’s what makes this world go around. One thing is for certain. It surely isn’t boring!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.