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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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Here I am again…choking on the cup of suffering. I find myself searching within to find out why and have come to some rather unpleasant, but life-changing realizations.

One of those realizations is that I have forgotten how to live. Having been hampered by my former illness for so long, along with the dignity-destroying experience of homelessness, topped off with the recent death of my mother (she died on Christmas day) have made life difficult for me, if not impossible, to manage. I am not sure how to go about this thing called life anymore.

I have suffered through so many things in my short life that I scarcely know where or how to begin. I don’t know whether to start with my present circumstances, go back into the past, or combine the two for a more complete glimpse into my life. One thing I do know is this: I am a writer. A very good one. I can promise a blog filled with emotion and vision. I only require an audience. Whether that audience be one or one hundred, I very much want my life to be one that will teach people how to live, how to love, and how to suffer pain without that suffering altering one’s personality to the point of non-recognition. This is almost a laugh to me, as this post is one in which I find myself changed by the sufferings and pains that I have endured in my 48 years of life.

48 years. Wow. That is a number that I never thought that I would see quite so soon. It came upon me so fast that it took my breath away. I had believed that I would remain forever young, or at least not gallop upon the age of 50 so darned quickly. I still remember the days of my youth. My days of being twenty and then my thirties, which were the happiest years of my life. (I know that the word “happiness” would not seem to be one that would apply to my life considering all that I have been through, but that third decade was one filled with some of the most serene and downright happy moments of my life. As I write in this blog, the reasons for my bliss will become clear. Until then, I will stick with what has brought me to this particular posting. And that is a profound sadness and regrets.

I had always thought that I would not be one who would live a life wherein resided regret, but as my existence has unfolded, especially in these past few months, regret has accounted for a rather large portion of my mind’s interior. Especially with the passing of my mother. My last months with her were riddled with regrets, with resentment, with fear, with longing for the closeness that a mother-daughter should bring, with exhaustion at having to care for her in her declining years and ill health. Just so many things to regret and to fear, and through it all, God has been there.

That is the caveat, folks. The existence and the presence of God in a life encompassed by sorrow and suffering, the likes of which brings one to tears and threatens to toss a body straight into the very pit of despair itself, but the saving grace of it all is a heavenly Father Who loves me and has used the very suffering that has brought such misery to set me free. So, I say to sorrow, “Come.” I say to suffering, “Welcome.” For it is those things, along with a host of feelings and emotions that have run the gamut from fears to tears that have caused my life to have meaning, even within a meaningless life. Because the essence of me has lacked purpose and passion throughout these past nine months since I had come to live with and care for my mother. My life was swallowed up in hers and I did not make a move or have a thought that did not include her welfare in it. And now she’s gone. She’s gone and I will never see her again, nor be subjected to her temper or her pushing me away. I will never again have to live the thankless life as a caregiver. Never suffer the exhaustion of arising at the crack of dawn to prepare my mother for her dialysis appointments. So many never agains. Oh, what will I do without the life that I have led for the past nine months! Those months overshadowed my previous life and became the only life that I had, miserable as my existence became. Now I find myself wondering what I will do without the pain. Though my heart is filled with the pain my mother’s death brings to my soul.

I am torn. Torn between two worlds. Both worlds of pain and loss. If I had to choose one life over another, I would hesitate to make a choice, for those two worlds hold unbearable selections. Let me lay my two lives out for your inspection. In Life One: the endless burden of caring for a soul who made life miserable because she was no longer able to care for herself or Life Two: life without the one who has made the misery a daily existence. I cannot choose, for I do not want either life, yet I walk the tightrope of both with wobbly feet on a high-wire hundreds of feet in the air. Both lives are mine. And this is my endless dilemma. Do I continue to walk the wire, or do I allow myself to tumble to the ground with no safety net to embrace me? I can only come to one inescapable conclusion and that is the inconsolable fact that my mother is dead. Will I ever be able to accept her death or will this unshakeable disbelief forever crowd out the new life that cries within me to be released. May the God of heaven help me.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

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My Forever Starts Today

It’s me again. See me. See me as I pour out my words to you on this blog page. What do you think I am doing?

I am smiling. Smiling at the dawn. At the birds flittering around the yard, chasing each other for worms and sky-wire time. I sigh as I remember with pleasure the night gone past. The night when forever started for me.

I have not written in this blog for quite some time. If you remember, I was going through a distressing period with my writing and was unsure how I was going to write my way out of it. The words simply would not flow. They remained log-jammed inside me, trapped between swirls and eddies of moments from the past competing with memories soon to come. All of that ended for me forever last night. That’s because forever started yesterday for me. And now it’s the next day. So, forever starts today.

I spent the night in the Arms of the Lord. We whispered sweet nothings in each other’s ears. I let my praise and worship music play as I dove into my bible. the words contained within its pages leaping to life and bringing God down to planet Earth, where he landed smack dab in my lap. The Word came to life right there before my eyes and I fell in love with Jesus all over again. With expressions like, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) and “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” (John 14:18) only enamored me to Him more. A sweet peace stole over my soul as we communed together. The Lord laughed as He swept me off my feet from the confines of the word of God. I am breathless and giddy with wonder as I experience the love of Christ through my Thompson chain reference bible. His love defies description and is of such a depth and height that I will never come to its edges. I will only discover more and more layers of His love enveloping me as I give in to its pull.

I had intended to share with you how it came to be that my forever starts today, but I believe that I will save that for my next post. For now, I am mooning over Jesus. I want to leave more words from Him here for you to enjoy as much as I did as we romanced one another through the night. But words simply will not come to me because I am yearning to get back to our meeting place and start the day off with my Lord. I will come back to you. Yes, I will come back. For now, it’s off to the secret place of the Most High, where I will meet with the King. That is a stronger pull than remaining within the confines of this blog for one second longer. So I will see you again in a short while. Wait for me.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Breaking: Part Three

The third part of my breaking process with the Lord is confusion. I am perplexed and in a bit of despair, but I continue on in spite of my feelings. Tor the just do not live by their feelings; they live by faith.

I feel as though God is looking down upon me, just waiting to see what I will do next. I do not know what the next step is, but I DO know that I will be obedient to God no matter what. So I am in a win/win situation no matter which way I travel.

I am leaning heavily upon the Holy Spirit. I need His help and guidance. I cannot do anything without Him. I feel my vulnerability and I draw closer to Him. My flesh would want me to pull away from the Lord, but I do the exact opposite of the flesh because the flesh and the Spirit are diametrically opposed to one another. I cling to God with the veracity of a pit bull dog. I HAVE to remember that it is in the struggle of life that true character is developed and released. All I need do is lay back and let the Holy Spirit operate on my heart and on my mind. He is the Master Surgeon. I am simply one of His patients.

I am going to win this “game.” I am determined. And once I make up my mind, that is it. No matter how hard the struggle or how deep the pain, I WILL overcome.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Obedience is Breaking Me

Obedience is breaking me. This breaking process continues on and on and is not abated. I want to scream in frustration, but I keep silent before the Lord and allow Him to crush me without complaint.

I am determined to remain obedient to the Lord no matter the cost to me. For the moment, it is costing me a lot. But that is all to the glory of God. He will get what He is seeking from my life. I will see to it.

I do not want to do what I am doing. I want to hide my head beneath the covers and let this present circumstance that is my life pass over me without anymore effort from me. But I will not do that. I will soldier on, being a good soldier for Christ.

I trust God. That is precisely why I continue on with this process. I trust that He knows what He is doing and that in due time He will produce in me a glorious product. In the final analysis, that is the only thing that matters.

It is not the final destination that is important. It is the journey along the way. Once I get there, the trip will be forgotten. What I need to do is gather mementos of this journey because it is one that can never be repeated. Instead of bucking the process, I need to embrace it with all that I am worth and hang on for the ride. So, that is exactly what I will do.

I praise God for allowing this project of pain and frustration. For it is making me. It is breaking me and making me at the same time. I can hardly wait to see what the end of this thing is going to bring. It is a mystery to me. But not to God. I will keep my hand in His and let Him lead me. I can’t go wrong that way.

I pray that those following this journey of mine find strength to face their own giants. Together, we can put the enemy to flight.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Uncertainties

I am still finding it difficult to write in this blog. My mind is like a blank fog that struggles to come up with even the most basic of information to provide in this post. I wonder how long the Lord will allow this fog to permeate the very atmosphere wherein I live. How long must this breaking process proceed?

The Lord is not One to be rushed in any of His endeavors. I must be patient and throw myself into His Arms, knowing that the end product of His tinkering with me will ultimately prove to be nothing short of brilliant. I must trust the Lord. And I do. Which is why I continue to come here, day after day, even though I do not know what I will find when I sit down to this computer.

I am not certain how long this season of vulnerability will continue. It has certainly shaken me to my core. Because I am not one who is used to being so adrift in a sea of nothingness, with nothing to keep me afloat except for my belief that the Lord will not allow me to drown. This is like the trust fall, where I must keep my back to Him and fall back in His Arms, hoping that He will catch me.

I know that I am going to be a much stronger person when this particular trial is over. I will have crossed over unto the other side. I must hold on. I must keep focused on my objectives. I must believe in the abilities that God has placed within me. I must. I must.

I am grateful to God for allowing this. I had been complacent. Now I am perched on the verge of greatness. I believe that. This blog is going to turn out to be one of the greatest things I have ever done and I will only be able to credit the Lord for accomplishing it in me. Thank you, Lord.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Perseverance: The Key

When it comes to success in this life, few things are more necessary than that of perseverance. Perseverance will take you where talent never could. If you make up your mind to do a thing and then hold onto that determination until you reach your goal, you will go far.

My sister, who is a pastor, often tells me that perseverance breaks resistance and I am finding that to be the case. Especially when it comes to this blog. My persistent faith in God’s ability to give to me the tools needed to produce a successful work helps me to keep going at the times when I want to throw up my hands and quit. Perseverance is shoring up my backbone and giving me the fortitude to keep going, just keep going.

I know that one day soon I will reach the destination that the Lord has determined for me to reach as I continue to persevere. He has given me the wherewithal to complete every task that He has given to me no matter what my present circumstances look like. That is the way that God works. He glories in producing victory where there is no victory in sight. All that I must do to obtain those victories is to trust in the Lord with all my heart and not lean to my own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) As I lean on the Lord, He works things out on my behalf.

I thank God for giving me the key to success. Perseverance is that key. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to achieve my objective. I just have to keep pushing forward. You, too, can reach any milestone that you have set for yourself if you employ perseverance in your life. Don’t allow anything to deter you from reaching your goals. Persevere.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

 

The Sure Mercies of God

God is a good God. He is a God full of compassion and mercy towards us. His tender mercies are over all of the works of His Hands.

I was thinking about God’s grace. Most specifically, His grace towards me. Because I was concerned that I had let the Lord down in some way. That I had not been completely obedient in everything that He had told me to do, this blog being the main thing. But as I was in my prayer room and was reading Psalm 103, my heart was encouraged. Because it says that the Lord does not reward us according to our sins. In other words, He does not give to us what we deserve. He gives us His mercy instead. The sure mercies of God. It also says in that psalm that as far as the heaven is from the earth, so great is God’s mercy toward them that fear Him (treat Him with the utmost awe and respect).

I tend to be hard on myself when I perceive that I have made a mistake or am falling short in a particular area. So you can imagine my joy when I came across Psalm 103. It is full of the mercy of the Lord. God is so full of compassion. He does not want us living under any condemnation. For there is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1) He wants us to live in a state of liberty. Of complete freedom. And that is precisely what I am doing.

People are often terribly hard on themselves. They make a mistake and then spend an inordinate amount of time beating themselves up for that mistake. But the Lord is not that way. He is a God of restoration. He restores our souls. (Psalm 23:3a) God wants us to live in a place of total victory. He wants us to walk in peace, love, and joy. He wants us to enjoy fellowship with Him and with His Son. This is His will for our lives.

If you are feeling down on yourself in any way, know that God loves you and that He does not condemn you. He looks at you with only love and goodness. He wants the best for you and He does not want you beating yourself up for anything. He wants you to experience His sure mercies.

Open up your heart to the Lord. There is so much waiting for you to enjoy in Him. He loves you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. Reach out to Him. He is here for you. Now and always.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Breaking: Part Two

I am afraid. There, I said it. Yes, I am afraid. And that fear has been haunting me. Lingering in the background of my mind and is the culprit that has handcuffed my fingers and my mind.

I ask myself what it is that I fear. And the answer is that there are many things that give me pause. For one, I am scared of failure. Failure to engage my readers. Failure to produce compelling content day after day. Failure to find the words shut up inside me. Just many things. But I am determined to confront those fears and vanquish them. For I had forgotten that it is the challenge of life that makes it worthwhile. Struggles stretch us and force us to grow.

I had forgotten  what difficulty brings to life. It brings life TO life. It is what ultimately makes life worthwhile. Because it strengthens and builds character. I had gotten so used to hiding from the problems that living brings that I missed the diversity that adversity delivers to it. I have to find myself and I won’t until I face the giants bearing down me.

I am afraid. But I am not scared anymore. I relish the challenges that I must go through in order to reach my writing destination.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.